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If you read last months newsletter, Cross-Country Move, youll remember that I wrote about my boyfriends and my recent move from California to the east coast. I talked a little about how Ive been handling the transition personally, and mentioned a few of the things that have helped me through the process. This month, I thought Id follow up on that topic by talking about how major changes affect our closest relationships.

Everyone handles adjustment to life changes differently. Are you the type of person who loves new experiences? Do you thrive in new situations, and love the rush that comes from accomplishing something new? Or do you enjoy having a routine and avoid new experiences like the plague? Regardless of how we manage changes in our life, if were in a committed relationship, we have a tendency to rely on our partner the most in times of uncertainty and unfamiliarity. And if our partner deals with change differently than we do, this could cause some conflict. So how does a major life transition affect our committed relationships? And how can we use these experiences to strengthen our interactions with our partner, rather than undermine them? Well, here are a few of my thoughts, being a recent survivor of major change:

The problem: You begin to feel like your partner is the cause of all of this new stress and anxiety.

Of course you know logically that your partner didnt intentionally do anything to make your life more difficult. But sometimes, after weeks and months of trying to adapt to a new situation, it becomes tempting to look for a reason, any reason, for your newfound suffering. You begin to think: after all, if he/she didnt suggest (fill in the blank: having a baby, going back to school, changing jobs, etc.), none of this would be happening. You would still be living the easy-going lifestyle you were used to just a few months ago.

What to do: Remind yourself that your partner is not to blame for your new situation. Remember that life, by definition, requires change. And your partner is, more often than not, going through just as much as you are. So instead of assigning blame, make a list of things that would help you feel better today. What would help you adapt to your situation right now? It takes time to adapt to change, so focus on the present moment, and do things to help you now (not 3 months from now). Pamper yourself a little, and recognize that things will get better in time.

The problem: You start feeling like a failure..

Major life changes have a tendency to make us feel incompetent in the simplest of situations. We remember the feeling of being in control and on top of things before this big change, and then all of a sudden were struggling to complete tasks that used to be easy or automatic. After a while, it can wear us down. And how does this affect our relationship? We start to feel less capable, or less interesting to our partner, or even un-loveable! And then we tend to pull away from our partner so they cant see the real us.

What to do: Its easy to feel like a failure when youre constantly struggling with new challenges. But degrading yourself for not being perfect at something the first (or second, or even third) time you try it isnt going to help. Instead, ask your partner for support. Tell him/her how youre feeling, and then ask them to love you, even if you mess up another 100 times. Chances are, theyll be relieved that youre human too. Asking for help can be tricky for many of us (any super-moms out there?). But leaning on your partner when youre feeling vulnerable is the whole point of intimacy. Let them hold your hand during this difficult time.

The problem: The relationship has taken a back-seat to life.

Experts say it takes 6 months to a year to fully adapt to a major life change, such as getting married, having a child, or starting a new job. So what happens to our relationship when a specific life change is demanding so much of our attention? Yep, we focus on the most pressing issue of the moment, and tell ourselves well spend some quality-time with our partner when things settle down. But 6 months to a year later, our relationship may need more than quality time it may need some serious CPR!

What to do: Dont wait for life to be under control to focus on your relationship. Schedule some regular time to focus only on your relationship, whether its once a day, once a week or even once a month. Just take the time to appreciate the good things that your partner brings to your life, talk about all of the new things youve both been experiencing, and then celebrate how far youve come together. If you make your relationship a priority, it will be there to help support you when you need it most.

About the author: Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT. Sarah coaches quarterlifers (adults in their 20s and 30s) who want to create meaning and passion in their lives by building lasting committed relationships, creating a fulfilling work/life balance, and managing the stress of major life transitions. Receive your free copy of her Special Report: "Five Steps to Creating a Life You Love!" on her website at: http://www.newheightslifecoaching.com

posted by qzqcuz  # 11:35 AM